This is my story of transition, as condensed as I could manage it. If you are wanting more, please ask me, rather than guessing or hypothesizing...

Basically, I was born and raised LDS, and I would never allow myself to consider the fact that maybe the things I was taught to believe were wrong. Over the course of my membership, I constantly encountered doctrine within the church that I would disagree with. I would label it "Mysteries of God", set it to the side, and continue on living with a split soul. About 3 months ago, I was standing in my bathroom, and suddenly, as though a bubble had popped in my head, I was confronted with the fact that the church conflicted with the very basics of morality that I held as sacred inside of me, and, because of this, could absolutely not be true for me. Within the period of three seconds I went from full believer to a person who was shocked that I had ever found a place in my mind that allowed me to believe. It was done and cannot be undone. I look at the person that I existed as for the past 30 years, and I see a stranger. Everything is changed, everything is bright, everything is clear, and my soul is whole. I know that this hurts many of my friends and family, and I absolutely understand, because I would have felt the same way even 4 months ago. It's ok to feel sad about this and confused about it. Just know that my love has never been pretend, and has always been authentic. I love you.

Quiet.
Hushed.
Eyes close. Fading.
Eyelashes braid together. Sealing.
Departure of feeling.
Mind is steel. Reeling.
Warmth rising.
Captured in linen.
Wrapped gentle.
And a dream creeps slowly, knowingly,
Closer, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
When melting is final. When body disappears.

Camp

"Caught meself a horny toad.
Story like this ain't never been told.
Plopped him in the 'frigerator.
Now he's done dead cold."
Everyone is sharing "thankfuls" this month, but I guess I am mostly sharing shenanigans.
When I was of the girls' camp age, my mom was called as our camp director. She was in charge of making the sing-a-long books for the entire camp. Since I was more computer wise than she was, I did most of the design and formatting. My sister and I decided to write a nonsense song and include it in the booklet to see if anyone would notice. At camp, we requested the song to be sung by everyone around campfire. There were around 100 girls all following us in singing this nonsense song (portion of the lyrics included above) with terror in their eyes. According to my mom, the song remained in the booklet for a number of years after we had outgrown camp until someone finally said, "What is this?!", and omitted it before printing. I think I still have a copy if the booklet with the song included.

November

I'm addicted to working out. I'm a better mom, my house is cleaner, and I feel happier. Fall always sucks so much for me, super-depression time, but working out/running/walking with grannies/eating tons of good food is keeping me out of it. I think I can run a 5k now. I'm going to try that distance this weekend, I think. Anyways, my "grateful" for this whole month is that Michael watches the kids so I can exercise. Life is good. Hard, but good.

Little Pea wakes
Her squeaky, sleepy cry calling out to me
Across night and an apology
I rush to meet her
Pick her up with my arms (much like a spatula) and slide her across the bed
She snuggles up to her nursey
Starts ripping my hair from my scalp
Her fingers all wound up in it
Chugging and snorting, kicking at my legs
That chubby nose.
Cheeks overflowing with soft and soft
Drifting away slowly and then
The Final Throes!
She slumbers again
Hair scented with orange
Fist still clenching a few strands of my curls...

"Havin' my baby! (i'm a woman in love and I love what it's doin' to me!)"

I woke up early (5:15 am) this morning to go volunteer at my local Bountiful Baskets site. Therefore, I am extremely tired and can't be held accountable for anything I say here. So Michael's job is awesome in every way. I love having him home in the evenings and on weekends. He is much less stressed and when fall comes he will be able to go to school with much less difficulty. It is weird adjusting to him being home. **disclaimer** lovey stuff ahead*** I love him so much and enjoy being around him so intensely that I've been feeling pretty giddy about getting to spend time together. He is definitely my best friend.
Tenzin is watching Dora as I type this and she is teaching him Spanish:
Dora: Say "Te amo"
Tenzin: Damn you!
Dora: That's right, "Te Amo", I love you.
Tenzin: Damn you! I yuv you!

I love that rascal.

I just got two root canals done in the past 2 weeks. In the end, they were very successful and I feel great. In the interim, however, I had excruciating pain and agony. Hate hate hate. I'm so glad that it is all done and I don't have to eat through a straw anymore.

So I am ready to be feeling better, I'm hoping that this summer is less physically taxing than the last part of this winter has been. I'm trying to grow a baby here, but it seems like I can't gain weight or even think about the baby that much with all of this crud going on.

Well, I'm done complaining. I'm grateful for everything I have, I just had to grump around a little. Tenzin and Lilli have been growing so fast, I love it and also miss all of their littleness. They are so excited about the baby they can hardly stand it. Tenzin whispers secrets to my tummy, mostly "I love you"'s and other such sweet nothings. We've watched videos, so he has a pretty good understanding of what a is going on in there. Lilli talks a lot about after the baby comes and how she is going to help out. She wants to be there when the baby is born, so I did a bunch of research and praying and decided that it would be fine to have her there. In preparation we have been watching birth videos, especially those where kids are there. She likes the science of it all and has lots of good questions. She's very excited to help, so I am going to have to think of some little jobs for her to do during the birth, because otherwise I think she'll get bored. Thankfully, the birthing center has a huge waiting room with a big screen tv and toys and books and stuff. Well, I'm too tired to think anymore...

The never-ending bathroom...

Lately Lilli has been learning to read. Mostly smaller words, like cat, bug, and look, but occasionally she surprises me by sounding out a whopper. I visited Jessie a couple weeks ago and showed up to her sacrament meeting a little (a lot) late. As we were waiting outside the chapel, Lilli was busying herself with reading the bulletin boards and bossing at the younger kids to "be reverent!" Once sacrament meeting was over, Lilli watched the chapel empty out into the halls. As more and more people filed out, her eyes got bigger and bigger. She exclaimed, "Mommy, why were all those people in the bathroom?!" Confused, I questioned her, "That is the chapel, why do you think it is a bathroom?" Raising her eyebrows to the illiterate fool (me) she pointed knowingly at the placard outside of the door labeled "Rostrum", Greek for "pulpit" and shook her head, "See mommy, it says 'restroom' right here!"

Mom, can you please ask her if I can have a pink one?

I apologize in advance for my typos, I am writing this on my iPhone. Anywho, the other night Lilli and Tenzin rolled off of the couch, kind of a tackle on Tenzin's part. Lilli hit the floor at kind of a weird angle and fractured her elbow. Two stories about it:
Someone at the doctor's office asked Lilli what happened to her elbow. Her answer, "My brother and I were playing on a very low couch. We rolled off and I hit the floor at a weird angle. Suddenly, I cried out in pain. First, I got a boring white cast, but now I have a pink one and it is sooooo much better." Awesome.
Second story:
Everyone at the emergency room was treating me a little bit standoffishly. I wasn't quite sure what the issue was until the nurse began questioning Lilli. He asked her what happened and specifics of who was there. Then he asked me about Tenzin. I told them he was fine, and he looked at me doubtfully and gestured to Tenzin's mouth. "I'm concerned about all of the bruising around his mouth..." Wh-wh-what? That's when I actually realized the what the situation was. Tenzin was wearing only a diaper and eating blueberries just moments before "the incident", and I had dressed him in the most terrible clothing possible to rush them to the hospital. They thought that Lilli and Tenzin were abused! I quickly explained the blueberry situation, and wiped a bit of the "bruising" from Tenzin's face as proof. The nurse breathed a sigh of relief and then everyone there started to be really nice to us.

Biggie Smalls

Lately, as in the past 8 years, I've had a really difficult time keeping an appropriate amount of weight on my body. Part of it has been due to breastfeeding, but part of it has just been due to my lack of desire to eat as much food as my high metabolism requires in order to keep my body fully functioning. This has resulted in a lack of energy, decreased bone health, and some image issues that come along with being underweight (i.e. having the body of a 12 year old boy instead of a 26 year old woman). The lowest healthy weight for my height is 121 pounds, which is the most I have ever weighed in my life. I achieved that weight in my junior year of high school from a combination of stuffing my face, weightlifting 7th period, and moving huge irrigation pipes in the summer. So I have made that weight my initial goal. I've made an increased effort in the past couple of months to really try to eat as often as I could remember to, whether I was hungry or not. I've been taking an extra helping of everything I like, and have been snacking all day long, every day. I have still been eating healthily, I just eat a lot more of everything. I added a lot of soy protein to my diet, and to the diet of my children. On top of that, I've been trying to be extra active this summer by going on a walk every day and running around with the kiddos and doing yard work and such. So here's the exciting part (for me, anyways): I've gained 5 pounds! It's been a pretty steady weight gain of a pound every few weeks and now I am only 2 pounds short of my goal. Moral of the story?: If you are cooking good food, please feed it to my face!

Disclaimer: If you are someone who is overweight, and you want to say something to me about how you wish that you had to gain weight instead of lose it and you'd trade me places any day or whatever other thing you would say to minimize my struggle, that's fine, and funny, and I appreciate the good-natured jab. However, keep in mind that this is a story about a commitment to a healthy weight and working hard to achieve it. Just because my body type is the kind that the media glorifies, I have to be just as careful to keep it healthy as anyone else.

a quick rundown of the past month and a half...

Michael works 40+ hours every single week. On top of this, he has to cover any extra shifts that come up that no one else can or will cover. This can sometimes turn out to be 40 hours of staff shifts, with 40+ hours of managing work on top of that. Also, did I mention that he is on salary? So that means that he gets exactly $0 extra for every extra hour that he works. Solution?: I now work for his company. Whenever a shift comes up that isn't covered, I work the shift. Michael stays home with the kids. Suddenly, we have more money, Michael has less stress (sort of), and the kids get to finally spend time with Daddy (which they are super excited about!). I only work sporadically, but every hour I work is an extra hour that Michael gets to be home and that we get paid for. 

Lilli has started a music theory class, and can now identify a quarter note, half note, quarter note rest, half note rest, and 8th note and the difference between all of them. She can read small books and spell out basic words. She'll be turning 4 next month, and Tenzin will be turning 2. Tenzin has started to speak in 3 and 4 word sentences (i.e. Mommy! Cup! Juice! Please!) and is also a very friendly little chap, greeting complete strangers with a big wave and "HI!". He also puts forth his full effort in the harassment of Lilli, as all good little brothers do. She takes it gracefully, explaining to him "Oh no, Tenzin, I will teach you how to be nice." and then she leans over and whispers to me "It's ok Mom, he's still just learning." Michael continues to work hard and will attend BSU again this fall. Also, after six years of being married, he still rawks my socks.  Well, I guess I should say that he rawks my flippy floppies, because I hardly ever wear socks or shoes. This is a weird place to end...

Today was long, and I am tired.

Last night Lilli announced that she wanted to sleep in her own bed. She had been sleeping in her own bed for a while before, but then her allergies hit again and her sleep apnea came back and she started sleeping with us again. Her sleep apnea has subsided as she has grown into her big tonsils and I guess she was feeling ready for some independence. Surprisingly, Tenzin decided he wanted to sleep in his own bed, too. So we set up his bed next to Lilli's in their bedroom and they both fell asleep quickly in their own beds and slept through the night. When they woke up this morning, they came into our room and slept for another hour or so. With so much sleeping going on, I felt really rested this morning.  I went visiting teaching this morning, and then had a friend come over and chat for awhile. We went on a walk, had lunch, then went on another walk. After that, we went to dinner at the park and then played on the equipment. Lilli saw the pool and wanted to go swimming, so we went and did that. Carting two kids on your hips back and forth through a swimming pool is not easy work. By the time we left the pool around 8:30 pm, I was really dragging. We came home and I did some housework and then we went to JCPenney so I could use a gift certificate thingy I had. Lilli fell down in the parking lot and skinned both of her knees pretty bad, so we did some First Aid in the parking lot and then got her home to finish cleaning out the scrapes. Michael doesn't get home until 1 am tonight, so that means I get to put the kids to bed on my own. However, the last thing I want to do right now is wrestle the kids into their pajamas, wrestle them into brushing their teeth, and wrestle them into bed. I pretty much just want to sleep. *Yawn* Maybe I'll just wimp out and we'll fall asleep watching t.v. together...

Chillin' wit' my hooooomies!

We're back! Michael and I decided to take an impromptu 3-day road trip down to Provo to see my Aunt Mike and Uncle Julie. Best.     decision.     ever. First of all, their house is amazing. It looks kind of like a Frank Lloyd Wright (sp?) house, with lots of huge glass walls everywhere and sunlight, surrounded by trees and flowers and stuff. It was nice just to hang out there and relax. They had some hummingbird feeders off the back porch that you could watch from the kitchen and there were many frequent visitors. The kids loved to see all of the birds come to eat, and they fed some left over pancakes to a scrub-jay. My aunt Julie was a very thoughtful hostess, and made the entire stay relaxing and enjoyable. It was a much needed mental and physical break for Michael, who has been extremely overwhelmed by work lately. Tenzin fell in love with my Uncle Mike and they were inseparable while we were there. Shout out to Uncle Mike-Thanks for taking care of him so much, it was nice to just relax and hang out while you played with him. Thanks for helping Michael get an iPad and geeking out with him over it! Shout out to Aunt Julie- Thank you for babysitting them while we went on a date for our anniversary, and making banana bread with Lilli, and cooking for us, and everything and everything!!! Shout ou to Austin- Thanks for giving up your room so we could sleep there. Shout out to Alex- Thanks for... stuff. You guys are awesome!  We went swimming at the rec center and shopping at the University bookstore, and Aunt Julie and I found an adorable new swimsuit for me at Downeast Basics. They babysat the kids while Michael and I went out to eat at Outback and shopped at the mall for our anniversary. Saturday morning we went to the local farmer's market and ate mango with sticky rice (yay!) and played at the park. We also just spent a lot of time sitting around laughing and joking (even though they're pretty serious and it was difficult to get them to joke around at all...). Anyways, did I say it was a great trip? Because it was a great trip.

A visit from Grandpa

Lilli came into the bedroom today as I was getting Tenzin dressed for bed and announced "Mommy! Grandpa's here!"
"He is? Where is he?" was my befuddled reply.
"There!" she shrieked and then tumbled to the floor giggling, with one finger pointed at Tenzin.
I had just slipped him into his pants as he was wiggling away in protest, leaving his pants pulled up to almost armpit level. If you've ever seen my dad wear pajama pants, you'll know exactly what she was talking about.

What it means to be adopted...

Michael and I have been thinking about adoption lately. I came across this little story in a book I was reading and wanted to share it:
"Teacher Debbie Moon's first-graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had different color hair than the other family members.
One child suggested that he was adopted, and a little girl named Jocelynn Jay said, "I know all about adoptions because I'm adopted."
"What does it mean to be adopted?" asked another child.
"It means," said Jocelynn, "that you grew in your mother's heart instead of her tummy."  --George Dolan"

Tha Zoo: where ya' dun learnt abowt aminals and stuff!

While on a recent trip to the zoo, the children where posing with the various animal sculptures. This is a picture of sweet baby Bella doing that which I have just described. As my children crawled into some prehistoric eggshells with grins all a-cheese, I heard an exclamation behind me, "Mom! Mom! I want to go sit on the hump-back mule!" I turned to see an 8 or 9 year-old girl run up and jump onto the back of the camel sculpture with a look of exquisite joy on her face. 

The humpback mule.

and Neils, Guin, and the mother.

Life is easier if...

you relax a little.  Also, eating cotton candy as an occasional meal replacement doesn't hurt either. I did both yesterday and was quite pleased with the results.

Old poem I wrote about waking up with Lilli in the middle of the night...

tiny, peering, almond eyes
upside-down, and just-parting lids
In the dark I can make out your eyebrows raised in wonder-
Imagine you think first, "Where am I?"
and second, "where is my warm, cozy friend?"

I hold you close, sniff your hair.
My sweet Lilli is too awake for sleeping.

fingers ready for discovery reach, with tips grab a hanger from the floor-
grip the phone-charging cord tight.
I prise your tiny hands from its danger, pick you up.

Whisk you away to the living room carpet where you can learn freely.
You smile, knowing, behind your pacifier still clutched tight in teeth.
We peek-a-boo, read stories of bunnies and opposites,
you kiss the beak of your chicken head toy and babble "da-da" and other soft nothings.

When I turn to write this poem, it's "MA MA MA MA..!" until I look at you, and then you are fine again.
Oh love, I wouldn't trade these nights with you for anything.

Not anything, my brilliant, beautiful little child...

False Alarm!

Apparently I have forgotten what PMS feels like... I woke up this morning feeling completely normal, happy, and motivated again. I tended to my poor food poisoned husband, took the kids on a walk, partially cleaned my sister-in-law's kitchen, had a picnic with the kids outside, deep-cleaned my own kitchen, washed/dried/folded about 6 loads of laundry, cleaned my bathroom, cleaned my living room, played with the kids, read some offensive Sherlock Holmes, cleaned the fish tank, and felt happy to be alive.  If I complain about depression again approx. 24 days from now, someone remind me, please!

Pushing Up Daisies

The past two weeks have been extremely trying for me. I thought I was doing good when I got through the entire winter AND holiday season without any struggles with depression. My house was kept clean (well, by my standards), the kids were happy and I played with them often, I made special efforts to accommodate my husband's needs so that he could focus on school and work, and I felt at ease and cheerful on a pretty consistent basis. Then spring came, and it threw me for a loop. I love spring, I love flowers, I love going on walks and playing at the park, I love picnics and playdates and opening the windows! So why do I feel so blah..?
I think it has to do in part with the crazy weather we've had this spring. I wake up, ready to take the kids to the park, and it is pouring rain. We go on a bike ride, and suddenly the sun is gone and it's freezing and we have to rush home. I'm not the kind of person that likes to sit at home for weeks straight.
Also, I think that my body is getting a little worn out. I haven't had a full night of rest in about 4 years. With Michael's surgery and recovery, including consistent migraines, constant pain, and inability to do much physically for awhile, I was pulling double duty with the kids for quite awhile.
Another contributing factor is that Tenzin has been perpetually sick in one way or another for a long time. When he was in the hospital for 5 days, I only left his side once for about an hour, and the rest of the time I was holding him, nursing him, and helping with all of the breathing treatments and other therapies. When he is sick, we can't go anywhere due to the possibility of passing on the diseases, so we're stuck at home, for weeks straight.
Anyways, like my mom used to say, "It's nothing that 12 full hours of sleep wouldn't cure." Which means I should start feeling better in about a year, ha ha.

Difficulty writing

It's difficult for me to write entries for my blog. I feel things, I think things, I experience things, but it is so hard for me to put any of it into words. I've never been a good writer, and struggled all through my English classes. Anyways, this is kind of a way for me to practice and improve. So don't judge me! Just kidding, kind of.