Sunday, January 26, 2014

This is my story of transition, as condensed as I could manage it. If you are wanting more, please ask me, rather than guessing or hypothesizing...

Basically, I was born and raised LDS, and I would never allow myself to consider the fact that maybe the things I was taught to believe were wrong. Over the course of my membership, I constantly encountered doctrine within the church that I would disagree with. I would label it "Mysteries of God", set it to the side, and continue on living with a split soul. About 3 months ago, I was standing in my bathroom, and suddenly, as though a bubble had popped in my head, I was confronted with the fact that the church conflicted with the very basics of morality that I held as sacred inside of me, and, because of this, could absolutely not be true for me. Within the period of three seconds I went from full believer to a person who was shocked that I had ever found a place in my mind that allowed me to believe. It was done and cannot be undone. I look at the person that I existed as for the past 30 years, and I see a stranger. Everything is changed, everything is bright, everything is clear, and my soul is whole. I know that this hurts many of my friends and family, and I absolutely understand, because I would have felt the same way even 4 months ago. It's ok to feel sad about this and confused about it. Just know that my love has never been pretend, and has always been authentic. I love you.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Eyes close. Fading.
Eyelashes braid together. Sealing.
Departure of feeling.
Mind is steel. Reeling.
Warmth rising.
Captured in linen.
Wrapped gentle.
And a dream creeps slowly, knowingly,
Closer, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
When melting is final. When body disappears.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012


"Caught meself a horny toad.
Story like this ain't never been told.
Plopped him in the 'frigerator.
Now he's done dead cold."
Everyone is sharing "thankfuls" this month, but I guess I am mostly sharing shenanigans.
When I was of the girls' camp age, my mom was called as our camp director. She was in charge of making the sing-a-long books for the entire camp. Since I was more computer wise than she was, I did most of the design and formatting. My sister and I decided to write a nonsense song and include it in the booklet to see if anyone would notice. At camp, we requested the song to be sung by everyone around campfire. There were around 100 girls all following us in singing this nonsense song (portion of the lyrics included above) with terror in their eyes. According to my mom, the song remained in the booklet for a number of years after we had outgrown camp until someone finally said, "What is this?!", and omitted it before printing. I think I still have a copy if the booklet with the song included.


I'm addicted to working out. I'm a better mom, my house is cleaner, and I feel happier. Fall always sucks so much for me, super-depression time, but working out/running/walking with grannies/eating tons of good food is keeping me out of it. I think I can run a 5k now. I'm going to try that distance this weekend, I think. Anyways, my "grateful" for this whole month is that Michael watches the kids so I can exercise. Life is good. Hard, but good.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Little Pea wakes
Her squeaky, sleepy cry calling out to me
Across night and an apology
I rush to meet her
Pick her up with my arms (much like a spatula) and slide her across the bed
She snuggles up to her nursey
Starts ripping my hair from my scalp
Her fingers all wound up in it
Chugging and snorting, kicking at my legs
That chubby nose.
Cheeks overflowing with soft and soft
Drifting away slowly and then
The Final Throes!
She slumbers again
Hair scented with orange
Fist still clenching a few strands of my curls...

Saturday, March 26, 2011

"Havin' my baby! (i'm a woman in love and I love what it's doin' to me!)"

I woke up early (5:15 am) this morning to go volunteer at my local Bountiful Baskets site. Therefore, I am extremely tired and can't be held accountable for anything I say here. So Michael's job is awesome in every way. I love having him home in the evenings and on weekends. He is much less stressed and when fall comes he will be able to go to school with much less difficulty. It is weird adjusting to him being home. **disclaimer** lovey stuff ahead*** I love him so much and enjoy being around him so intensely that I've been feeling pretty giddy about getting to spend time together. He is definitely my best friend.
Tenzin is watching Dora as I type this and she is teaching him Spanish:
Dora: Say "Te amo"
Tenzin: Damn you!
Dora: That's right, "Te Amo", I love you.
Tenzin: Damn you! I yuv you!

I love that rascal.

I just got two root canals done in the past 2 weeks. In the end, they were very successful and I feel great. In the interim, however, I had excruciating pain and agony. Hate hate hate. I'm so glad that it is all done and I don't have to eat through a straw anymore.

So I am ready to be feeling better, I'm hoping that this summer is less physically taxing than the last part of this winter has been. I'm trying to grow a baby here, but it seems like I can't gain weight or even think about the baby that much with all of this crud going on.

Well, I'm done complaining. I'm grateful for everything I have, I just had to grump around a little. Tenzin and Lilli have been growing so fast, I love it and also miss all of their littleness. They are so excited about the baby they can hardly stand it. Tenzin whispers secrets to my tummy, mostly "I love you"'s and other such sweet nothings. We've watched videos, so he has a pretty good understanding of what a is going on in there. Lilli talks a lot about after the baby comes and how she is going to help out. She wants to be there when the baby is born, so I did a bunch of research and praying and decided that it would be fine to have her there. In preparation we have been watching birth videos, especially those where kids are there. She likes the science of it all and has lots of good questions. She's very excited to help, so I am going to have to think of some little jobs for her to do during the birth, because otherwise I think she'll get bored. Thankfully, the birthing center has a huge waiting room with a big screen tv and toys and books and stuff. Well, I'm too tired to think anymore...

Saturday, February 5, 2011

The never-ending bathroom...

Lately Lilli has been learning to read. Mostly smaller words, like cat, bug, and look, but occasionally she surprises me by sounding out a whopper. I visited Jessie a couple weeks ago and showed up to her sacrament meeting a little (a lot) late. As we were waiting outside the chapel, Lilli was busying herself with reading the bulletin boards and bossing at the younger kids to "be reverent!" Once sacrament meeting was over, Lilli watched the chapel empty out into the halls. As more and more people filed out, her eyes got bigger and bigger. She exclaimed, "Mommy, why were all those people in the bathroom?!" Confused, I questioned her, "That is the chapel, why do you think it is a bathroom?" Raising her eyebrows to the illiterate fool (me) she pointed knowingly at the placard outside of the door labeled "Rostrum", Greek for "pulpit" and shook her head, "See mommy, it says 'restroom' right here!"